Saturday, November 8, 2014
Am I enough?
I know many people consider me to be a really passionate person, and I would have to agree with them. If you read through my posts you'll find a lot of things that excite me as well as observations that make me mad and sad. I do love passionately devoting myself to things and because I love Jesus, I passionately devote myself to him. As I've walked with the Lord I've learned more about his heart and grown in my complete trust of his plan for me. The Lord and I have developed this relationship where I say, "whatever you ask, Lord" and he says, "Ok Nicole, do this, go here, talk to this person." The Lord has never let me down and there really is a thrill that comes from obedience when you know that you are a vessel for the Lord's love. Then the Lord sees your faithfulness in some "small" things (I'm not sure anything you do for the Lord is ever small) and he presents you with more opportunities and responsibilities. As the Lord gives me more opportunities I need him more and more. I get really weary sometimes from the constant war between my flesh and the holy spirit inside me. My flesh wants to pick and choose what I do for the Lord and the spirit doesn't give me an option. This will always be a struggle until I die. Fixing my eyes, the hope of my heart, and the joy in my soul on Jesus is the only thing that keeps me secure and steadfast. Naturally, a lot of things have changed in my life in the past 4 months and I find the Lord asking me over and over, "Am I enough, Nicole?" To which I always say, "Yes, Lord you are enough help me believe it and help my life to show it." The Lord has brought me through a quiet season it seems. It's not that I can't hear his voice, it's that he has taught me what it means to rest quietly in his presence. It's not that I'm waiting for him either, he's already there. I feel that I'm waiting quietly for him to show me the place, the people group, and the work he wants me to devote my life on earth to. I have to admit that school becomes very mundane day in and day out. I always envisioned myself overseas working with people who maybe had never heard the gospel. Instead I find myself in the bible belt where the gospel is all over the place and people are tired of it. Once someone asked me if I would be willing to leave everything here and be a missionary. My answer has always been YES!! However, the Lord still says to me, "Nicole, am I enough no matter your location?" "Yes, Lord I have learned you alone are enough for me." I guess what I'm trying to get at is that God is the same God whether you're teaching an unreached people group or sitting in engineering classes every day. God hasn't forgotten me and he hasn't forgotten you. There's a song I love and it says, "Here I am calling out Father can you hear me? I don't want to go without you. Here I am can you talk a little louder so I can hear you? I want to hear you." When I first heard that song it said all of the things I felt. I felt like the Lord had put me in a place and then didn't tell me what to do after that. I felt alone. Why would the Lord take away community from me? He almost always answers my questions by putting a verse on my mind. The verse that was immediately on my mind is in 2 Corinthians. The Lord says "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." His grace, his power, my weakness. Open your eyes and see that those around you need the gospel has much as those opportunities that seem so exciting in different locations. With everything that happens, again, the Lord asks me, "Am I enough, Nicole?" When I look back on my short life here on earth, I want to say, "Yes, Lord you are more than enough for me."